


#richietozierisoverparty

by beanplague



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti)
Genre: 4 of the 7 losers are gay. no points for guessing who., Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Closeted Character, Humor, M/M, No Homo Bill Denbrough, References to the Novel, Richie Tozier is a Mess, the losers are not good people. and i love them
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-08
Updated: 2020-03-08
Packaged: 2021-02-28 16:25:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,785
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23060143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beanplague/pseuds/beanplague
Summary: Richie Tozier is being cancelled on Twitter. Eddie Kaspbrak's wife is asking for a divorce. Bill Denbrough is not gay.Meanwhile, Mike is living very comfortably in his Florida home, Stan is writing some strongly worded emails, Beverly has some suspicions about why Richie is being cancelled, and Ben just wants to be informed about what the hell is going on. Within this tangled tale of woe lies but one message: The Losers Are Not Okay.
Relationships: Bill Denbrough & Richie Tozier, Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Comments: 3
Kudos: 22





	#richietozierisoverparty

1am on a Monday. The bar has mostly cleared out, but in it remains two customers. One William “Bill” Denbrough and another Richard “Trashmouth” Tozier. To the untrained eye, these two may seem like regular caucasian men in a completely regular scenario, drinking themselves into a stupor, but that is patently false. These are actually two abject disaster men masquerading as well-adjusted human beings. Observe.

Richie (known alcoholic, current pothead) leans over the bar, lazy smile on his face as he takes another sip of his drink. “And, I dunno, I think I’m funny—do you think I’m funny, Bill? I think I’m funny,” he says, repeating himself several times and transparently seeking validation from his fellow man. Richie Tozier is, unrelatedly, a closeted homosexual. This will factor into our tale of woe, but not yet. Oh no, not yet.

Bill (former cocaine enthusiast, familiar explorer in the worlds of alcohol and hallucinogens) replies, “Oh, dude, you are _so_ fuckin’ funny. Like, I don’t know if I’ve ever met anyone funnier.” This _should_ be a lie, considering the fact that Bill is an adult man with a wife and other adult man friends, but he means it with his whole heart. Bill is, by happenstance, _also_ a closeted homosexual. This will also factor into our tragic story, but for now he and Richie are simply best friends, sitting at a bar, enjoying a drink at 1am on a Monday. This could be very beautiful, if one thinks about it. A simple act of solidarity between men with fully scrambled, terrible lives. A night where friends can come together and, despite not knowing the intricacies of their secrets and problems, allow the other to relieve themselves of those issues, at least for a moment.

Richie orders more shots. He and Bill each drink far more than their 40-year-old livers should be able to handle. Richie utters the words, “Check this out,” as he proceeds to pick his drink up with his mouth and tilt his head back, thus performing a blowjob shot. Isn’t that lovely? Just a beautiful night of camaraderie between friends, as it were.

“You’re so good at that,” says Bill. “Can I suck your dick?”

“Oh, shit—really? Like, for real?”

“For real.”

“Oh, _sure,_ definitely. Let me call an Uber. I mean, I would drive, but I got a DUI last month and I really can’t have TMZ clowning on me about my mugshot again.”

“Ha, clowning.”

* * *

And so the adventure continues to Richie’s apartment, wherein they enjoy a nice chat before getting down to business. Richie opens the door, revealing a rent-controlled two bedroom that he once shared with an elderly woman before she died peacefully in the guest room. As a result, most of his furniture is in a tenuous custody battle between him and her grandchildren, who hate him for holding "their" inheritance hostage. Whatever, at least he's actually in the will. Take _that,_ Tabitha.

“Did you see our Uber driver? He was so hot—”

“Okay, take your pants off. I’m starting to get sleepy and I don’t want to pass out before sucking your dick. That wouldn’t be fair.”

“Right, right.”

And so it goes. Richie pulls his pants down with the clumsy, motor-functionally impaired energy typical of a drunk man. “Wait, so are we just gonna do this in the living room? We can go to my bedroom or something if that’s better for you.”

“Nah, I can do it out here.”

“The hard wood is gonna fuck up your knees, just so you know.”

“Something something hard wood euphemism. Come on, let me see it.”

“It’s not that impressive, man. It’s just a dick.”

“‘Just a dick,’ he says. This is huge,” says Bill, sunken to his knees in front of Richie, tugging at the waistband. “Like, comically so. Maybe even bigger than Ben’s? Wait, no. Ben definitely has more girth. I’ll have to think about this.”

“How do you know about the girth of Ben’s dick?”

Bill shrugs. “I mean, we all grew up together man. I’ve seen your dicks.”

“Okay, sure, but that doesn’t mean you had to go and commit the size to memory. I’m sure that I’ve seen your dick, but I couldn’t tell you how big it was if you held a gun to my head.”

“I mean, if the night goes well then maybe you’ll have an opportunity to memorize mine,” says Bill. “It's about average, though. Nothing like you and Ben—this is just ridiculous. You’re only half hard and it’s like—“ He begins crudely attempting to gauge the size of Richie’s half-boner.

“Please stop measuring my dick in your head.”

"Your dick is about to be in my head, Rich."

"That is the worst possible way that you could describe sucking my dick. There are so many ways you could describe doing so, but that was the worst one."

“It’s…” Bill has an expression of intense focus, “bigger than Eddie’s, but smaller than Ben’s—I wrote about Ben’s dick in my book. Did you read it? You should read it.”

“Aren’t we kids in that book?”

“Ha, yeah. The scene is thematically relevant, though. You have to read the full thing to understand. Am I still going to suck your dick?”

“If you don’t mind.”

“I don’t,” Bill says, focus now shifted to Richie’s dick in front of him, biting his lip with anticipation. It’s kind of gay, really, which reminds him—he looks up at Richie seriously, which is hard to do when he has the guy’s genitals cupped in his hands. “Oh, but just so you know before I do this, I’m not gay.”

“Oh, cool,” Richie blinks. “I am.”

Silence.

“What?” asks Bill.

Shit, isn’t Richie supposed to be closeted? Whoops. “Nothing,” he says.

“No, dude, put your pants back on. I can’t suck the dick of a gay man.”

“Why the hell not?”

“Because it’s guh-guh-gay!”

“Oh, just like how you can get AIDs with a dude if you’re kwuh-kwuh-queer?”

“Exactly like that.”

“You’re being ridiculous, but okay,” says Richie. “How is sucking my dick any gayer than sucking Ben’s?”

“I haven’t sucked Ben’s dick,” replies Bill, still on his knees and making no motion to stand up. “Not for lack of trying. If I _did_ suck Ben’s dick, it wouldn’t be gay because he’s a ten. Sucking the dick of a straight ten isn’t gay, it’s just sensible.”

“What, I’m not a ten?”

“You’re like a six, man. No offense. I prefer guys who don’t look like they were dropped multiple times as children.”

“I was dropped _once,_ for your information—and you have a type! That’s gay!”

“That’s having standards. I wouldn’t suck Mike’s dick if I didn’t think he was hot.”

“You wouldn’t _what?”_

Unlike Richie, Bill is not a shameful coward. At least not when he has alcohol poisoning numbers of drinks in him. “Suck Mike’s dick,” he repeats.

“Mike is gay?”

“ _No_ , we just went over this. He’s straight, and a nine.”

“How is Mike a nine but I’m a six—you know what, _whatever._ If you’re not gonna suck my dick, could you at least get out of my house so I can jack off? Or let me go to my bedroom to do that?”

“Well, I mean, I don’t mind jerking you off. That’s just being a good friend,” he pauses, before adding, “provided you also jerk me off.”

Richie takes a moment to think about this. The mind boggles at the logical leaps made by Bill and his stupid, stupid brain. And you know what? It’s whatever. Bill’s bizarre homosexual cognitive dissonance is the farthest thing from Richie’s problem.

“You know what?” he says, now very tired and very inclined to make himself feel accomplished. “I’ll do you one better. But let’s move this to my room. I’m not gonna fuck up my knees even more by kneeling on the stupid floor.”

“You’ve got fucked up knees?”

“I’m forty, dude. Of course I have fucked up knees.”

* * *

The next morning, the two of them wake up in a sweaty tangle of limbs and Richie’s sheets—which are legitimately disgusting, insists Bill.

“There are crumbs _everywhere,”_ he says, arms wrapped around Richie’s waist and morning breath hitting the back of his neck. “And you have candy wrappers and empty chip bags on your bed. You’re rich, aren’t you? Hire some cleaning people.”

“I don’t like having strangers in my house.”

“Well I don’t like getting my dick sucked while surrounded by a pile of your dirty laundry.”

“Oh shut up, this was a one time thing, anyway. _Ugh_ —I have the worst headache. Could you pass me my phone? I need to cancel a meeting with my agent or something.”

“I don’t wanna move.”

“You’re useless.”

It bears mentioning that these two grown men with no romantic connection between the two of them have been spooning throughout the duration of this extremely bitchy conversation.

“I’m afraid of having people in the house because I’m afraid I’ll bring someone home, and then it’ll be a whole thing,” says Richie.

“You aren’t out? To anyone?”

“I mean, it’s not a secret, it’s just—I dunno, something I don’t talk about. With anyone.”

“That’s literally the definition of a secret.”

“I mean, a handful of people know. Mostly guys I’ve hooked up with, but still. Think of it as an _open_ secret, or something.”

A moment of silence. Richie bristles.

“It’s just that other people don’t _need_ to know. It’s not their business. It’s not something I owe to anybody, and I’m an adult. I get to choose who knows my personal information. And this is personal stuff. It’s not that I care if other people _do_ know, I would just prefer that they didn’t. Do you get me, Bill?”

“I didn’t ask.”

“Right,” says Richie. “But still, you get it. It’s not easy out there for entertainers that are… you know. I mean, sure, it’s easier than it was, but it’s still weird—it’s a weird thing to be all open about, and it always becomes part of the brand, which is stupid. And even on a personal level, it’ll change the way people look at me. Maybe they won’t think it will, but it will, which would be annoying. It’s easier the way it is, right now.”

“Uh-huh.”

“So,” he adds. “Don’t tell anyone. Especially not the Losers.”

“Of course, man. Now go back to sleep. I don’t wake up until 2pm, most days.”

Richie closes his eyes. “Same here,” he murmurs, glad to be done talking. There’s this weird, sinking feeling in his stomach, and it’s probably best to just sleep it off and forget about it.

**Author's Note:**

> SOME QUESTIONS I FEEL MAY NEED ANSWERING:
> 
> \- what was the reason for this?  
> there was none  
> \- why did bill act like that?  
> because i don't actually know what his character is supposed to be. it's one of the things i remember least from the movies. HOWEVER. i do know that he is stephen king's self insert, and i do know that in the epilogue of it 2, he writes the original it novel, and i do know that the idea of bill going out of his way to write the sewer orgy scene despite nothing like that happening in the movie is very funny to me. also it's my right to make him a disaster man.  
> \- the tag says bill & richie but i'm pretty sure they just sucked each others dicks. explain?  
> yeah they did but they're just bros. their relationship isn't going to progress in any romantic way but their friendship will be explored heavily. boys will be boys.  
> \- why is richie's dick huge in this fic?  
> inside joke with a friend.  
> \- what will richie get cancelled for?  
> keep reading whenever i update to find out.  
> \- where is the ed boy?  
> oh... you know ;3c
> 
> \- what happens next?  
> chapter two: we see how that ed boy is doin.


End file.
